Today, I was granted an official interview with Owen, the dog who has recently declared himself a third-party presidential candidate. We spoke in his back yard during a game of fetch — Owen said he would answer one question for every toss of the tennis ball. Here’s a full transcript of our interview:

Owen, what’s your energy policy?

I have lots of energy! Throw the ball!

What will you do about Iraq, if you are elected?

I’ll give everybody lots of treats! And I’ll bring the troops home!

What do you think of Paris Hilton?

Sorry, but any human who keep their dog in a purse is not to be trusted.

Would you like to comment on the other two candidates?

I like them! Let’s go for a walk!

Owen ended the interview at this point, so that Jean, his campaign manager, could drive him to the woods to go for a walk. I was allowed to accompany them on the walk (it was very difficult keeping up with the candidate, who is in excellent physical condition and ran the whole time), but I agreed that I would not print any of our unofficial conversation. I can say, however, that recently Owen has learned how to swim and he’s quite good at it.

I have been an avid supporter of C’thulhu for president (“Why choose a lesser evil when you can have the greatest evil of all?”). However, I admit that I have been bothered by the Elder God Party’s platform — “Bow down in fear, pitiful minion, and prepare to meet your doom” — is just too similar to the platforms of the Democratic Party and Republican Party. I want a third-party candidate who can differentiate him/her/itself from the major party candidates.

I recently learned that a new third-party candidate, Owen W. Indy Roosevelt Jones Jr., has announced that he will be running for president. Owen (he likes to be on a first name basis with people) has formed a new party, the Richmond Canine Party, colloquially known as the “Let’s Go to the Dogs Party.” In an exclusive interview with blogger Writewrite, Owen has revealed his platform:

“Food, water, shots, walks, dog parks, treats, belly rubs, fetch. For everyone.” Then he grinned, really big. “And all dogs get to sleep on the bed.”…

He wagged his tail, picked up his tennis ball, and asked to go out and start the campaign.

Now that’s a candidate I can support.