Dan, my stupid alter ego, is away visiting his aunt and uncle. Which means Mr. Crankypants has unfettered access to this blog for the next two days. Woo, hoo!

And there is something very much on Mr. Crankypants’s mind. Theories have been flying around the Unitarian Universalist blogosphere, accusing the Board of Trustees of the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA) of conspiring to muzzle various small, uninfluential groups. You see, recently the UUA Board changed the rules such that nearly all of the dozens of so-called Independent Affiliates of the UUA would no longer be Independent Affiliates. These groups suddenly found themselves un-affiliated, and the pundits said that the Real Target was — pick whichever group you happened to support, but which has lost its Independent Affiliate status under the UUA Board’s new rules. “Oh, the Horror of It All!” say the UU bloggers.

Mr. Crankypants would like to point out two things regarding the Independent Affiliates Imbroglio.

First, in spite of what the conspiracy theorists say, the UUA Board cannot be accused of conspiracy. Conspiracy requires a high level of organization, administrative follow-through, and general nastiness. The UUA Board is not known for being particularly well-organized, the efforts of Moderator Gini Courter notwithstanding. The administrative follow-through on too many Board initiatives has been lackluster. And on the general spectrum of nastiness, UUA Board members are closer to the Care Bears than to Niccolo Macchiavelli.

Second, it’s not like this is a surprise. This rule change has been in the works for four years. Even Mr. Crankypants, who as a general rule abhors and avoids UUA politics, knew this was coming. In fact, last year Mr. Crankypants looked at the proposed new rule, and figured out how to create a new Independent Affiliate, Unitarian Universalists for Care Bears (UUCB), that would easily meet the new rules, by building coalitions with our largest congregations to send free Care Bears videos to needy children in Transylvania and in the Khasi Hills of India, to help spread the word about Unitarian Universalism to those who are already Unitarian Universalists. Mr. Crankypants even figured out how to soften up certain key Board members so they’d vote in favor of UUCB’s affiliate status, by sending them “Care Bear” packages filled with seven pounds of the finest Fair Trade chocolate, just before the vote. Of course, Mr. Crankypants is way too ethical to use such manipulative tactics. (Instead, he called up another group, which shall remain nameless, told them his ideas, meekly accepted it when they called him “shamelessly unethical” over the telephone… and sure enough they were one of the first groups to receive Independent Affiliate status a few months later. Coincidence? Not hardly!)

Really though, Mr. Crankypants is glad the UUA Board has gotten rid of so many independent affiliates. See, it used to be that every single one of the Independent Affiliates got to have their very own workshop at General Assembly, the annual denominational meeting. Over the past decade Mr. Crankypants sat through far too many tedious, pointless, badly-presented General Assembly workshops sponsored by various independent affiliates. The Unitarian Universalists for Care Bears would show the new video they plan to distribute to impoverished children in Romania and India. The Unitarian Universalist Harry Potter Support Group would have a workshop on “Why the First Harry Potter Movie Sucks.” The Unitarian Universalists in Favor of Lots of Independent Affiliates would have a workshop on “How To Get Cheap Ads in UU World Magazine, Free Listings in the UUA Directory, and Your Own General Assembly Workshop for Just Fifty Dollars a Year.” If Mr. Crankypants wants to waste his time going to pointless workshops, he would rather attend science fiction conventions, thank you very much.

But now, praise Loki, all those many interminably boring workshops have been swept away. Doubtless they will eventually be replaced with many more interminably boring workshops sponsored by the UUA, but still. You get the point. Mr. Crankypants is glad the UUA Board has changed the Independent Affiliate rules.