The Neilsen people, the ones who do the ratings for television programs, called me up yesterday. The pleasant man who called wanted to know if I’d received the postcard they had sent out. Yes, I had. He asked if I would be willing to keep a log of my television viewing habits for one week.

“Yes, I’m willing,” I said. “It’ll be easy since I don’t really watch any TV.”

“Oh,” said the man. He seemed momentarily flustered. “OK. Well, I have a few questions I have to ask you, even though some of them won’t apply to you.”

He asked his questions, and I replied that I did not work for the Neilsen company or any related company, that our house does not have cable access, that there is one television in our house (it’s twenty years old and Carol’s parents gave it to us, though I didn’t bother telling him that).

He told me that I should expect a booklet in the mail, that it would have five dollars in it to thank me for my trouble, and all I have to do is write “No television viewed” on it and mail it back. He confirmed my mailing address. Then he said, “Be sure to open the booklet before you mail it back to us, and get your five dollars out.”

“OK,” I said.

“You know, this is an unusual call,” he said. “Usually when I reach someone who doesn’t watch TV, they tell me that they refuse to participate. But we need to hear from the people who don’t watch TV, too.”

So that’s why he had sounded flustered when I told him I didn’t watch TV. He wasn’t flustered because I don’t watch TV, he was flustered because I didn’t give him a hard time about the fact that I don’t watching TV. “Well it’s no big deal to me,” I said, laughing. “I don’t have to do anything except mail the booklet back to you.”

“That’s right,” he said. He thanked me again, and hung up.

What an easy way to make five bucks.