Uh oh, here comes my evil alter ego, Mr. Crankypants. I better get away from the computer before he pushes me awa– ow! — I’m going already….

Heaven help us all, Mr. Crankypants made the mistake of getting stuck in bad traffic yesterday. Given all the crazies and their road rage these days, Mr. Crankypants no longer makes silly faces at drivers who do stupid things like slowing down for green lights or making left turns from the right hand lane of a four lane highway.

Mr. Crankypants was stuck at the railroad crossing on Route 38 east of Geneva, while a long slow train headed east — and just as it got clear of the crossing, another long slow train headed west. (At times, Mr. Crankypants almost feels jealous of my stupid alter ego, Dan, who gets to walk to work.) With nothing else to do for 15 minutes, Mr. Crankypants sat in his car and unwillingly had to read the slogans people stick on the backs of their cars and SUVs.

Most bumperstickers are boring. The ribbons are worse. The fish are the worst. Little cutesy child-like drawings of fish — plain fish, fish containing the word “Jesus,” fish with a little Latin cross, and fish with “Ichthos” in Greek letters pretending to have a classical education.

When the railroad crossing gates finally went up and rush hour traffic slowly moved eastward, Mr. Crankypants kept noticing the car fish on the backs of cars and SUVs. The way-too-cute fish with little itsy-bitsy legs that says “Darwin.” How coy. The vicious “Truth” fish swallowing the “Darwin” fish. How Christianly non-violent. The swarm of smaller fish ganging up on the “Jesus” fish. How bizarre. From there we headed out into da-da land, with a dead fish, a blue fish, and one fish that said “Sushi.”

Reporter Carol Kaesuk Yoon, in the article “Unexpected Evolution of a Fish Out of Water” [no link, story removed from Times Web site] from the February 11, 2003, New York Times, tells us whom we can blame for the proliferation of fish: Chris Gilman, president of a costume company in Hollywood. More than 20 years ago, after first seeing those Jesus fish, Gilman came up with the idea of the Darwin fish. Our voices heavy with sarcasm, let us all say “thank you!” to Mr. Gilman.

“Jesus” fish were never funny, hip, or cool, they were always just sad. “Darwin” fish and their evil spawn may have been funny, hip, and cool 20 years ago, but their day has come and gone. Today their only function is to annoy people who are so easy to annoy that it’s like — it’s like — it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

While he continued to be stuck in rush hour traffic yesterday, Mr. Crankypants fantasized about getting a bumpersticker made for his car that would read, “Please do not tease the Jesus freaks — Control your car fish.” It was a sad and lonely fantasy, but it kept Mr. Crankypants from swearing too much at the traffic. As of today, Mr. Crankypants started listening to audio books. Now his commute is much more pleasant, and he doesn’t notice car fish at all. Life is better that way.