My alter ego, Mr. Crankypants, has requested — no, demanded — that he be allowed to take over the blog today. Before he rudely pushes me out of the chair in front of the computer, let me introduce Mr. Crankypants:

Mr. Crankypants is getting tired of all this talk about Unitarian Universalism. It is too easy to get cranky about Unitarian Universalism. Mr. Crankypants needs a more challenging subject today. So let’s get all cranky about the new design for the United States nickel.

And don’t even think of saying, “Oh no Mr. Crankypants, talking about the nickel means talking about Unitarian Universalism because Thomas Jefferson was a Unitarian.” Mr. Crankypants regrets to inform you that Thomas Jefferson was not a Unitarian — not ever, not even a little bit. Thomas Jefferson went to an Episcopalian church.

Yes, Mr. Jefferson did write something to the effect that Unitarianism should be the religion of the future for the United States (that was before we Unitarian Universalists got sidetracked into believing we are a kind of asylum for freethinkers and rebels and we’ve been declining ever since, but we digress). And yes, Mr. Crankypants knows that old T. J. cut up a Bible, which makes many Unitarian Universalists today think he was a Unitarian, but just because you cut up a Bible doesn’t mean you’re a Unitarian. Let’s just admit it — Thomas Jefferson was a Deist and maybe an Episcopalian, but he was not a Unitarian.

Now that that non-issue has been disposed of, let’s start attacking the new nickel. The new nickel is an abomination. Look at the back — what is that bison standing on, anyway? It looks like two rather large meadow muffins. And why are the two meadow muffins floating in midair like that?

Turn the nickel over and look at the obverse side. Old T. J. looks like he had recently eaten something that didn’t sit quite well on his stomach. What’s worse, something appears to have happened to his upper lip and jaw, which are canted at a peculiar angle to the rest of his face. And what’s up with the word “Liberty” which hangs off his chin? It’s supposed to be in T. J.’s actual handwriting, but instead it looks like that cheesy typeface used on cheap wedding invitations.

The Mint should have learned that you can’t delegate coin design to just anyone. Just look at the designs of the state quarters, which are nearly all ugly. The new nickel was designed by a graphic designer, and the design probably looked good on paper, but it did not translate well to three-dimensional metal. Mr. Crankypants would like to remind the boneheads at the Mint that the finest U. S. coins ever made were designed — not by a graphic artist, not by a state legislature, not by Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger — but by a sculptor, Augustus St. Gaudens.

(Oops. Without realizing it, Mr. Crankypants wound up relating this whole diatribe to Unitarian Universalists because Augustus St. Gaudens was a Unitarian. Worse yet, by praising St. Gaudens, it sounds as if Mr. Crankypants is kind of proud of being a Unitarian Universalist. It is just so hard to remain cranky all the time.)