Last month, Mr. Crankypants received a notice from the Department of the Treasury, Internal Revenue Service. It began:

“We are pleased to inform you that the United States Congress passed and President George W. Bush signed into law the Economic Stimulus Act of 2008, which provides for economic stimulus payments to be made to over 130 million American households. Under this new law, you may be entitled to a payment of up to $600 ($1,200 if filing a joint return), plus additional amounts for each qualifying child.”

What a great idea this is! When our economic stimulus checks arrive, Congress and the President know that we will all go out and spend all that money on consumer goods, thus stimulating the economy right out of the recession into which we are currently descending. Now, probably Mr. Crankypants should spend his economic stimulus check as follows:

• $278 to pay off the doctor’s visit for bronchitis back in March. (Mr. Crankypants can only afford a crummy HMO-with-deductible these days, which means every doctor’s office results in a big bill in addition to the already insanely high monthly health insurance premiums.)
• $100 put aside as a gasoline emergency fund. (With gas prices climbing up towards $4.00 a gallon, and no end in sight, it seems like good idea to have a little reserve fund on hand in case things get really tight.)
• The remainder put into retirement savings. (What with rising food prices and rising natural gas prices over the past few months, it has been impossible to put as much money into retirement savings as usual.)

But Mr. Crankypants knows that none of these expenditures will help stimulate the economy out of the recession. Consumer goods! That’s what we’re supposed to buy! Our economy runs on consumerism! Being a true-blue patriotic American, here’s what Mr. C. will purchase to stimulate the economy:

• One month trip to California, to clear out the last of the bronchitis.
• Brand-new hybrid car that gets 50 mpg, to beat those high gas prices.
• Vacation home on Nantucket Island, to provide retirement security.

With all these great consumer purchases, Mr. C.’s economic stimulus purchases will total more than $600. Surely Congress and the President understand that they are dealing with a true patriot, and so will fund the balance of these purchases. Why, if every American spent as much money as Mr. Crankypants, the recession would be over! Hooray for Mr. Crankypants!