Mr. Crankypants is announcing his candidacy for presidency. No, silly, not the United States presidency, but the presidency of the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA). Mr. Crankypants is running on the Complacency and Status Quo platform. Thus, you will vote for Mr. C. in 2009 if you believe that everything about Unitarian Universalism is just fine and doesn’t need to be changed.

Here’s a few specifics about the Complacency and Status Quo viewpoint to help you decide to vote for Mr. C.:

• Children should be seen and not heard in our congregations. Let them be sent away to Sunday school where they will not bother the adults.
• Teenagers should be forced into unproductive and overly anti-authoritarian behavior (the poor dears must rebel against something, why not their church?), and eventually convinced that they do not like church. Thereafter, they should be actively discouraged from attending church until they are earning a decent income and can afford a good-sized pledge.
• We are religious liberals. By definition, we are not oppressing anyone. We do not need any anti-racism stuff and nonsense, nor do we need to do any anti-classism, anti-homophobia, anti-anything work. Mr. C. is wondering why you even thought there was a need to bring up the subject.
• We must encourage continued mediocrity in ministry. We want more boring sermons, slip-shod liturgy, and poor religious leadership — and theological schools should continue to educate our ministers to this end.
• We must encourage continued destructiveness in lay people. We want them to continue to undermine anyone in authority, and we want them to start bruising conflicts about meaningless issues. To this end, Mr. C.’s administration will offer conflict training (as in, how to create conflict).
• We must discourage growth in our churches. If we let new people into our churches, we’ll just have to share resources with them. And if we let new congregations form, that means there will be less Veatch money for the rest of us. No growth!!
• We don’t want to become some kind of New Age group, or some kind of pseudo-evangelical church. Therefore, we must actively and absolutely discourage any kind of spiritual vitality or relevance. Religion from the neck up!!

There are other fine candidates for UUA president, but they all seem to be advocating for change. You know everything about Unitarian Universalism is perfect — so instruct your congregation’s delegates to vote for Mr. Crankypants at the 2009 General Assembly.

Children seen and not heard — Get rid of youth — No need for anti-oppression work — Mediocrity in ministry — Continued destructive conflict in congregations — No growth — Religion from the neck up.