I always need clean Christmas jokes, the kind of thing you can tell to a fifth grader. Philip came through for me in a big way this year. Below are some of the jokes he passed along to me. As the reindeer comedian said, These will sleigh you!
What do elves learn in school?
The elfabet.
How many letters in the elfabet?
Only twenty-five, because of Noel.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do psychiatrists call someone who is afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic.
Little boy: “Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas?”
Mother: “No, you’ll have turkey like everyone else in the family.”
Mother: “What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?”
Little girl: “Your teeth.”
Little boy: “Teacher, what do you call Santa’s helpers?”
Teacher: “Subordinate Clauses.”
OK, that’s the last joke. You can stop groaning now.
Sweetness
We had an incident here in Philadelphia at a local hotel.
They were having a chess convention, and several chess Grand Masters were in the lobby bar exchanging stories about their chess exploits.
The manager came and threw them all out!
When asked why, he said, “If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Tim — Groan….
And while we’re at it, howzabout funny song lyrics:
(to the tune of Walkin’ in a Winter Wonderland)
Lacy things, my wife is missin’
Didn’t ask, her permission
I’m wearing her clothes
Her silk panty hose
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear
In the closet, there’s a teddy
With little straps, like spaghetti
They hold me so tight
Like handcuffs at night
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear
(bridge)
In the office there’s a guy named Melvin
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown
He says, “Are you ready?” I say, “Whoa, man!”
“Wait until the wives are out of town!”
Later on, if you wanna
We can dress, just like Madonna
Put on some eyeshade
And join the parade
And walk around in women’s undewear (2x)
Lewis, pretty funny. Not exactly something I’d sing to fifth graders, but pretty funny!