It’s Hallowe’en, and Amy, the parish minister here in Palo Alto, is going to preach on the zombie apocalypse this Sunday. All this means it’s time for more zombie jokes:
What does the dyslexic zombie eat?
BRIANS!
What did the large animal vet zombie eat?
MurRAINS!
What does the zombie of Fantasy Island shout?
Da PLANES! Da PLANES!
What does zombie Mitt Romney say?
I was CEO of BAIN!
A zombie walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you, want to try it?” The zombie says, “Sure, give me a Charles.”
A zombie walks into a bar and says, “Why’s it so dead in here?” The bartender says, “Stop looking in the mirror, willya?”
A zombie walks into a bar. Bartender says, “You look like you could use a drink, how about a pint of beer?” Zombie croaks, “Braaii — hrrraaaaiign — rrrhaaaaiins!” Bartender says, “Sorry sir, we don’t carry Welsh beers here.”
Two zombies walked into a bar. You think the second one would’ve ducked when he saw the first one’s head come off.
A zombie walks into a bar, says, “Give me a shot.” The bartender gives him a shot. The zombie looks into his pocket, says, “Give me another shot.” The bartender gives him another shot. The zombie looks into his pocket, says, “Gimme another shot.” The bartender gives him another shot. The zombie looks into his pocket, and the bartender says, “Hey, why do you look into your pocket before you ask for a shot?” The zombie says, “I have a picture of my wife in here, when she starts looking good, I know it’s time to go home.”
Suddenly zombies appeared at the presidential debate saying, “BRAAINS! BRAAIINNS!” Mitt Romney said, “When I was at Bain Capital, I learned how to deal with zombies. Don’t worry, I’ll handle this!” Everyone else ran out of the room screaming. The zombies ran after them, shouting, “BRAAAIINS! BRAAAIIIINS!” Pretty soon the zombies were gone, and Mitt stood there completely untouched. He said, “Hey, wait a minute now…” [Given how stupid the presidential debates were, feel free to substitute Barack Oabama for Mitt Romney — I just used Mitt because of the earlier joke.]